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THE NEW PHARMACY
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Propriet™ (Merck)
For those who suffer embarrassment at the hands of obnoxious family members, especially small children or inebriated spouses. Relief can be found by placing two drops of Propriet™ in the potential agitator’s beverage. Lasting up to eight hours, the effect is one of polite fealty and acquiescence, just in time for office parties, visiting neighbours, and so on.
Parsimona™ (Pfizer)
Sometimes the only way to kickstart a stalled conversation is to find a common ground of ridicule or righteous indignation. Generally positive and well-adjusted people may find finger-pointing difficult in social situations. Two 10mg Parsimona™ tablets, taken orally before gatherings, can greatly hone critical skills, bitchiness, and the “editor” instinct ordinarily attributed to today’s finest satirical writers.
Hackumet™ (Bayer)
When a critic or commentator faces an immobile deadline equipped with absolutely nothing to say, the results can be devastating. Developed in close collaboration with The National Post, Hackumet™ (500mg SR) can provide instant copy solutions, helping the harried writer to get the fuck out of Don Mills and down to the bar before he punches that son of a bitch Corcoran in the mouth.
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