Mar 1

01

ADVENTURES IN REDUCTIONISM

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Ebert attends Siskel’s funeral. Afterward, over a pizza, he informs his wife that the funeral tried hard, wanted to be more than it could be, and did not get there.

The West resents Ontario, which condescends to the Maritimes while misunderstanding Québec.

Madonna is awarded prizes for the quality of her music.

Six billion gauge their desirability against that of twenty or thirty actors.

Craig Kilborn invokes an unsatisfying smirk over an obvious characteristic of an easy target.

William Faulkner and Clifford Odets live on as a cartoon hacks in Barton Fink.

Three women, best friends since high school, call thumbs-up or thumbs-down on each other’s boyfriends, and respond to all situations of interest with “oh my god!”

Political education comes from a handful of shrill Newfoundlanders with a background in improv.

Martha Stewart compresses an individual’s lifetime of apprenticeship, study and concentration of skill into a jerky five minute bit for the benefit of frustrated and brittle type-A personalities.

A man stands before several thousand films available for rent; not one is quite right.

A novelist works ten years, makes something beautiful, sees her work sent out as a four month trial balloon to die in a bruised Canadian retail trade. Some tenacious Toronto putz is handed millions for a marginal potboiler.

Diane Francis opens her fucking yap.