Aug 17 |
 |
00 |
   
|
THE PITCH * * *
1. Books convert to desire. Consuming a novel is an investment of time as well as money, and also a sensual experience. Spending a few hours in intimate contact with a bound body of words is an act not dissimilar to spending time with a lover; alike in intensity, full of as many hopes and dreams. 2. Desire converts to cash. Millions pay to see movies just to think about sleeping with an actor. Teen pop sensations are blank targets at which firehoses of inchoate adolescent desire are trained. These examples generate revenue streams offering no-risk, liquid investment opportunities. 3. Publishers can have a piece. Through a few adjustments in marketing schemes and brand positioning, and with a little market research, publishers could realize remarkable revenue growth in just a few years, simply by adopting techniques of today’s greatest pop culture strategists. Positioning a book on its story or the quality of its writing is impotent marketing strategy: there are already millions of well-written, entertaining and inspiring books. Placing the vitality and sexual desirability of its author front and centre, however, feels fresh and new every time, and is the straightest line to reeling in consumer dollars. Women who wore clunky glasses and used retro lunchboxes for purses in high school; men who talk too much at dinner parties. Cardigan Industries has patented its cutting edge marketing strategy under the trademark EggersQuotient™ (hereafter EQ). EQ strategy is devised through the definition of four separate variables: a. The “who gives a shit” (WGAS) factor. Indifference is good for business. Using EQ strategy, all authors will henceforth announce themselves to the media by declaring disregard for the media. Poised indifference is a virtual guarantee of frenzied print, radio and TV coverage. Rated on a scale of one to ten. b. The “media darling” (MD) factor. Once carpet-bombing of media indifference is complete, the mad dash of columnists and cultural reporters to namedrop will explode into a populace eager to be “in the know.” Rated on a scale of one to twenty. c. The “youth and vitality” (YV) factor. Youth is not everything (think Andrew Pyper). Sexual desirability, calculated from one to forty. d. The “street cred” (SC) factor. Obvious sellouts lower the number, obscure references increase it. Rated from one to thirty. Example EQ calculation on Zadie Smith: WGAS 5 Example EQ calculation on David Eddie: WGAS 3 Book advance guidelines according to EQ: 90–100 $2 million Talented writers over the age of fifty are eager to exchange labour for money. Gather them up, feed them well, don’t show them the papers. Check nightclubs and fine arts departments of larger universities. Select tall people with good teeth who flirt constantly. Thank you for the opportunity to make this proposal. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact us. |
