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CARDIGAN PERSONAL STYLE
“Be the sweater”
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CONVERSATION
Inquire, engage, reassure, startle. Never rely on discrete declarations about what you think. Pause before saying anything until you’re sure it is either amusing, illuminating or offensive. Jokes involving anal sex and Martha Stewart have their place: learn it.
COURTESY
Be diligent in the writing of notes of gratitude. Before sending, shuffle notes and envelopes to ensure random reassignment. Speculate how your aunt, who prepared a fine roast chicken dinner, will react to a note indicating the pleasure you took in reading her novel, and why you’re addressing her as Bob.
DEPORTMENT
If, say, at a social gathering an attractive, gracious and clever woman – in whose company you have shown grace and cleverness – subtly indicates her interest in knowing you better, pause to let your mind run roughshod over the landscape of anecdote and memory in a holy quest for ways to fuck this up. Once this interval (in and of itself an adequate way to fuck this up) passes, enjoy more cocktails and pain.
DINING OUT
Banter with the servers, without condescension; imply you’re on their side. Tip well. Never ask “could you bring me...” or “can I have” such and such. Order the lamb.
DOMESTIC MAINTENANCE
Anything hung on a wall will be invisible to you within three weeks. If something is broken, fix it this weekend or throw it out. When necessary, don’t do the dishes for six months.
DRESS
There is nothing so bourgeois as to be afraid to look bourgeois. That is, until one is reminded that eschewing indicators of tribal allegiance is itself a declaration of allegiance, at which point it is reasonable to remain permanently indoors in boxer shorts and a greying t-shirt.
FINANCE
Remember there is nothing so crass as to demand compensation for your labour; you likely don’t deserve it anyway. Rinse. Repeat.
FRIENDSHIP
Consume meals and engage in light competitive pastimes such as bowling with others now and then.
FOOD AND DRINK
Frequent greasy spoons at which waitresses will call you “Mac.” Your beverage options are coffee and/or water, or beer on special occasions.
LIVELY ARTS, THE
While it’s true one may listen at will to, let’s say, Sting doing his version of “Someone to Watch Over Me,” one might pause and imagine how accomplished Woody Herman would sound doing a version of “Enter Sandman.”
OPPORTUNITY
Should a lucrative enterprise appear on the horizon, begin at once to speak at length on your distaste for lucrative enterprise to anyone who will listen. For amusement, burn your remaining money.
POLITICS
Accept that progressive intent and earnest ambitions to change are roughly as effective as indifferent complacency. Throw all effort behind mockery and denunciation.
RELATIONSHIPS, PROFESSIONAL
Gauge the value of all business relationships on the frequency with which the other party gets your jokes. Should said party show willingness to do valuable things for no other reason than the pleasure of doing valuable things, things will go well. Never do business with anyone who overuses the words “awesome” or “fabulous.”
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